This is Not Blog Post

Today I learned that you can make something the complete antithesis of what it is simply by declaring it to be so in bad English.

 

With this new discovery, so many more things in the world make sense now.

Gut-Wrenching Sickness (with visual aids!)

Birthday Dog

Saturday was Tiberius's birthday. By that I mean it was the day I picked to designate as his birthday because I got him when he was four and there really is no telling when his actual birthday is. He's probably a 2000-year-old demigod. Yes. That is likely the case.

What's funny is after inventing this day, I completely forgot about it. We (the boyfriend and I) were watching The Simpsons Saturday night and it made me want donuts. It was 10pm and mid-sentence as I was trying to justify going to Harris Teeter to get some I realized "Who has two thumbs and forgot her own child's birthday? This girl."

It was then unanimously decided that a trip to the Teet for birthday supplies was necessary. All of the necessary birthday accouterments were covered. And then documented with blurry cell phone pictures.

There was cake!

 

(ok donuts but wtf/e he's a dog, he doesn't know birthday conventions)

And ice cream!

 

That's right. Dog ice cream. It exists.

And presents!

 

...AWESOME PRESENTS.

No seriously, you guys, those fucking PRESENTS...

And then after a short hyperglycemic fit TB went to bed with a scruffy and happy belly full of bones, donuts, and dog ice cream. And probably a tummyache. And he dreamed he was chasing something.

HELPING THE BOYFRIEND MOVE IN 98-DEGREE WEATHER

It's kind of like being at a 98 Degrees concert. Where they're singing perpetual psalmody. And you're tied down. And then someone with talent like Elton John comes out and is all "I'll save you with my talent, citizens!" And then they kill him. By decapitating him. And then the blood that spurts out of his open neck hole is boiling hot and acidic and sprays all over the crowd and melts everyone's skin but then you don't die and you can still hear so you're still stuck listening to 98 Degrees.

EDIT: No, just kidding. It was 102°.

Good Morning from TB!

I have a dog named Tiberius. The boyfriend and I usually call him TB. He does not have TB though.

This is what it's like waking up with him. At 8 AM. On a Saturday.

Mom. Get up.

Get upppppppppp.

GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP

Usually I don't get up. I take evasive action. I try to ward off his extreme cuteness lasers by rolling over on my stomach and covering my head up with the comforter. Then this happens.

 sulk.

bigger sulk

 

SULLLLLLLLLLLLLKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

And I'm all, "No, I'm sleeping." And then he starts to whine. And I'm all, "I said I'm sleeping!" And he slithers right up to me and puts his face up against mine and looks up from under his bushy eyebrows that I need to cut and whines really loudly and I swear I can make out the words "YOU DID THIS TO MEEEEEEEEE!" And I'm all, "YOUR FLUFFINESS IS NOT WELCOME HERE."

And then he gets pissed and starts hitting me.

You think I'm joking. No really. Hitting me.

He stands up, looks me straight in the eye, and with the force of a mighty juggernaut slaps me right in my sleepy bitchwhore mouth with his paws that inexplicably seem to have grown sharp parts just for this purpose. REPEATEDLY. Like a straight up NINJA. And a frenzied machine-gun full-frontal paw domination fest occurs right there ON MY FACE, often particularly concentrated on my (usually open) eyes. And I'm all, "MERCYYYYYYYY!" and he's all, "DOMINATE." And when he finally tires of this bloodbath I emerge meekly from my bed, with bleeding eyes, a broken nose, a limp, and a crushed soul.

And we go for a walk.

Ellipses

HERE IS HOW YOU ELLIPSE THEM:

Like this: ...

Not like this: ..

Or this: ....

Or this: ...................................

JUST THIS: ... (123)

NO, TWITTER.

I will not help you win the internet by putting a pound sign in front of everything I say that could be considered a category.

Not today, Twitter. Not today.

I just spent five minutes planning what I would do if a snake slithered into the room.

What I came up with:

1) Run.

2) Throw a box over it (problem: conveying snake from box to new location outside my safety bubble).

3) Mind bullets.

4) Broom (problem: what broom?)

5) Time-warp back to when snakes evolved and force nature to select for fluffier snakes with less sharp parts.

6) Distract snake while I regroup and come up with a better plan

7) Mongoose (problem: what mongoose?) [other problem: do mongooses eat snakes or do snakes eat mongooses? I can never remember...]